I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
