I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
