I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
