Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
