I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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