You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
