i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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