I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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