Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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