Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
