So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
