Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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