Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
