Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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