Where did you get a picture of my penis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
