So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
