I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am puke
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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