I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize