Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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