just survived the first fart of the relationship.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
