so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
