Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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