Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
