Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
this just has baby written all over it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
