Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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