well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
