What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
