Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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