im having a threesome with these popsicles
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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