Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i will never coherently bang her
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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