then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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