can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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