Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
