i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
