Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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