I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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