why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
