Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
