You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
