I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
