Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
