is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
