I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
