I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We got so high we made milksteak
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
