last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
