Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
