We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
