I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
