Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
