Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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