My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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