I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
