Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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