you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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