So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
