she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
